King Egret Speaks Out

Sometimes when I get a wild hair, I go into sort of a journalistic streak. This week, I really wanted to do an interview. I scanned the newspapers for important stories, where I felt that only one side was represented. That was when I found the article "Officers on 'egret patrol'." I'd link to it, but after a few days, it will get archived and you'll have to pay to read it. Here's a link that will give you a little more info on Hutchinson Police vs. Egrets.

Here's the jist:

Ask the Hutchinson Police Department what Lt. Troy Hoover and Chief Dick Heitschmidt are up to these days, and you're likely to get a startling answer.

"He's still out on egret patrol," the officers' administrative assistant said.

Egrets have been, for lack of a better word, infesting the Southeast part of Hutchinson for a couple of years now. It's not uncommon for somebody who lives in that area to find dead egrets on their property, or maybe their excrement. Our police department has been given the seemingly impossible task of keeping this migration of inconvenience from happening.

It's certainly easier said than done, considering that federal law prevents the police from simply pulling out a shotgun and laying the pests to waste. It's a shame, because that would probably be pretty fun. I realize that this is going to be a major pain in the arse for those enlisted. Tying shiny ribbons to trees and deploying owl decoys are just two of the tactics employed.

There's one major question that was gnawing at me while I thought about this situation: What's the egrets friggin' deal, man? I decided that I would get to the bottom of this. There was only one way that I saw to possibly do that: interview the King Egret. That was how I found myself in the lair of the egrets, just off of Lorraine and G street in some poor, unsuspecting sap's attic. I was surrounded by what I assumed were drone egrets, ready to attack if I made any sort of threatening movement toward the King Egret. Yes, this was journalism at it's most dangerous.

The King Egret spread his wings, as if to humble me with his not-so-impressive wingspan. I humored him, and politely bowed my head, as I figured a subordinate egret was likely to do. It was time for me to begin my interview.

Here's a transcript:

Me: King Egret, let me just thank you for taking the time to talk to me. I really appreciate this, and I want to get to the bottom of the bad blood between your kind and my kind.

King Egret: Let's just get this done quickly. I've got females presenting outside.

Me: Right. Of course. So I guess my first question is: What gives?

King Egret: What gives?

Me: Yeah. What's the deal with you guys all comin' up in our business and poopin' on our stuff? Why Hutchinson?

King Egret: What do you mean 'Why Hutchinson'? This place is great! I mean, we tried Burrton, but. . .it's Burrton. We like it here. The property tax isn't too high, you've got that awesome zoo in the park and you have five Subways. Five!

Me: You. . .uh. . .like Subway, huh?

King Egret: We also dig going to the Cosmosphere. Entry is free to Reno County residents, so we've gotta live here.

Me: Oh, come on! There's no way that they let you into the Cosmosphere.

King Egret: Bet me?

Me: No. . . So what do you do to occupy your time while you're here in Hutchinson? Besides make a lot of mess and noise, that is.

King Egret: Well, a couple dozen of us have taken to opening payday loan stores. One of them pretends like he's a kangaroo. He says that kangaroos are 'more presentable,' but I take that as a disrespect to his species.

Me: As you should. . . So, how do you feel about local law enforcement's efforts to scare you away from the regions of town that you frequent.

King Egret: I'll tell you, I don't like it one bit. They shouldn't be able to do that, because, from what I understand, I have diplomatic immunity.

Me: You are referring to the federal law that prevents law enforcement from killing you?

King Egret: Exactly.

Me: Wouldn't you rather live somewhere that you're more welcome?

King Egret: We've made our decision. The people of Hutchinson are just going to have to learn to tolerate us, like in Alien Nation.

Me: Wow, that's an obscure reference.

King Egret: You like that?

Me: Yeah.

King Egret: Look, I've got things to do. It's been nice talking to you and all, though. Tell me where you live, and I'll make sure that we don't poop on it.

And just like that, my interview with King Egret ended. He flew away, letting out a great. . .whatever sound egrets make. I don't know that my interview gave us any insight of how to get rid of these pests, but it definitely helped us understand why they're here.

Fun with Google Maps! LogicMaze Vacation Ideas

We work hard here at LogicMaze.

Well. . .most of us do *cough*Scott*cough*

Anyway, I feel that we are all due for a vacation. To keep things fair while deciding what we're going to do for the vacation, I devised the ingenious plot where each of us creates a potential vacation itinerary on Google Maps, and posts it here. We will then pick the best one.

Here's Mine

Let's see if anyone else gives this a shot.