Callin' Phil Collins

As I have mentioned in a previous LogicMaze Fiction Blog, I had intended on getting a hold of Phil Collins in reference to his crappy, crappy website, and attempting to get him to let us do it for him. Well, I've finally mailed the letter. Here it is, if you'd like to take a look:

Mr. Collins,

My name is Mitchell Hargrave, and I work at LogicMaze WebDesigns in
Hutchinson Kansas, U.S.A. I recently took a look at your website, and I have to say that, in my personal opinion, it is relatively lackluster. I could go through a veritable list of things that could be fixed on the site to make it more fitting for a man of your reputation, starting with consistency of all of the pages, but I wouldn’t want to bore you with the technical details.

The bottom line is that talent of your magnitude deserves representation of the same degree on every medium available. In modern times, the internet is, by far, becoming the largest of all mediums. We at LogicMaze have a client portfolio of over 80 clients; each one has received an original site design that is consistent and cohesive. Although I couldn’t positively know anything about the market prices of web site design in your neck of the woods, I could confidently venture to assume that we could also quote you a price for design that would be considerably lower than that of the site which you now currently have.

I’m confident of LogicMaze’s work, and like to let it speak for itself, so please feel free to visit our site at www.logicmaze.com and view our clients page.

We would love to hear from you on both business and personal levels.

Thank you for your time,

Mitchell Hargrave
LogicMaze WebDesigns
1021 North Main Suite "B"
Hutchinson, KS 67501

Let's hope the sucker takes the bait. . .I mean expresses a sincere interest in our services. . .

But I'm Not Bitter. . .

I've bitten my tongue on this issue long enough!

It took a lot of deliberation for us all to agree on a name for the LogicMaze newsletter. After two days, we finally agreed on one that properly represented us as a company and our abilities in both web design and marketing. What animal makes more sense than the omnipotent Carrier Pigeon?
I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't psyched. Pigeons are the coolest ever. They're so majestic.

Anyway, I sat down and got right to work on creating our Carrier Pigeon and, after much toiling, produced this masterpiece:



Apparently, though, the bosses opted to go with David's design instead: click here.
Needless to say, I was furious. I busted my hump on my version, and they just tossed it aside. They're reasoning was that "Dave's was better" and "He didn't use Paint to make it."

Poo on that.

Man, if I didn't love my job, I'd totally quit.

Now this is cool

Habla espanol?

Me neither. Lanuage barriers didn't stop this blogger from showing interest in Traveltron5000.com. Thanks to his blog, Traveltron5000 got 39 visits! That's more than Traveltron gets in a week usually. Here's a rough translation of his blog that I got from Free Translation.com:

First National Travel Agency, one of the agencies online more veterans of the United States, has created a parody of the traditional agencies of trips that only offer on the internet a service automated and depersonalized: Traveltron 5000. With it they intend that the client themselves of account of the advantages that has to travel with them, that say to offer all the contrary thing, deal personalized and human. Considerations aside, the certain thing is that Traveltron turns out to be nice, above all by that air of old web of before of the explosion of the digital bubble .

That's pretty slick, if you ask me.

Wii for Me.

Ok, so here's the deal:

I had a choice this weekend. I could either wait in line to get a Nintendo Wii, or I could go to Italy and be a guest at TomKat's wedding - that's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, for the fortunate ignorants who haven't heard about that. It was a tough choice, but I opted for the Wii. Nothing is quite as compelling as spending $300 on something that I know absolutely nothing about.

One plus: the Wii crowd was a little less violent than the PS3 crowds- somthing I attribute to the fact that Nintendo makes games that are a little less concerned with pure violence. There was one altercation, however where one fellow (I think he was a level 14 Mage) put an Ice Spell on another, which was then quickly countered by an Amulet of Dante's Flame.
Luckily, nobody was harmed in that situation.

Long story short, I never got a Wii, but I did make some new friends. I'll be meeting with my new buddies: Irwin and Ant on Wednesdays now to play Dungeons and Dragons. I have no idea how to play, but I bet I'll win!

The LogicMaze Office Pet

For the last 4 or 5 years here at LogicMaze we have been raising and training a office pet. We have all fallen in love with the pet and it was really getting prepared well to do it's job to the best of it's abilities.

Well, last friday was the big day. We decided our little friend was ready to go out and do the task it had been training for so hard. We strapped his little jetpack to his back (In house wanna-be-NASA engineer, David built him a little jetpack out of 2 ink pens) and sent him on his way. Click here for the picture Mitchell took as he was leaving the LogicMazeplex!

We thought he would be back by now???

Please let us know if you see him and if he is ok????

Hutchinson Web Design Company Solves all Problems with Dry-Erase Board

Hutchinson Web Designer, LogicMaze, aims to “get it together” with help from a wall-mounted dry-erase board, which they acquired November 13^th.

Organization, communication, visualization: each an issue in an office setting, and each something that the staff at LogicMaze WebDesigns fully intended to nip in the bud. With a staff of six, each of which buried in the screen of their respective computers, the use of the newly-installed dry-erase board is meant to bring about a more collective and organized method of operations beyond that which is accomplished merely with only Windows Messenger, Microsoft Outlook, Google Docs, Google Calendar, a Blackberry, countless Excel Spreadsheets and cellular phones.

“See. . .” began Cody Heitschmidt: the mastermind of Operation Mitchell Don’t Sniff the Markers, “before, we didn’t have something that we could get in a big group and draw on. Now . . . we have something that we can get in a big group and draw on. It’s cool.”

When asked about concerns of inappropriate things being drawn on the board, the staff responded with a unanimous shrug of the shoulders.

“I already drawed some boobies,” said Mitchell, with blue and red marks all over his nose.

Tamara “Boss Lady” Heitschmidt had little to say about the dry erase board. She simply rolled her eyes and said: “All the guys seemed so excited about the idea, and I’ve learned that they’re a lot more productive if I just let them do little things like that. Few things are less fruitful than an office full of guys with bruised egos.”

Concerns were raised when they realized that one of their staff members telecommutes from his home in McPherson Kansas. There is already a plan pending approval to solve this problem, however. The idea is to train a web cam on the dry erase board and install another dry erase board at the home of Josh Krannawitter in McPherson with another web cam trained on it, so that he and the
Hutchinson staff can share ideas on their respective boards.

“Stay out of my house,” responded Krannawitter to the suggestion.

The bottom line is that the dry erase board is a definite aid for the LogicMaze staff to get their proverbial poop in a group, and they have nothing but high hopes for it.

Security from LogicMaze

We at LogicMaze don't just want to make, host and maintain your site, we would also like to do everything within our power to ensure the safety of your site. Let's face it, there are hackers out there, and it doesn't matter what your site is about or what product you're selling. Hackers can and will hack your site just for the sake of doing so because they a spiteful, disrespectful little pieces of - I'm getting off subject, I digress.

Hackers want to hurt your site. We want to hurt hackers. That's why we've developed our newest product:

LogicMace.

It's the newest, and most effective hacker deterrant on the market. After we make your website, we install LogicMace. If it detects an intruder in the site, it releases a powerful pepper spray through the monitor into the eyes of the hacker.

Ouch! You can bet that he'll think twice before he messes with your site again.

Contact us online if you're interested in having the most secure possible website, because whether you're running a secure database or just trying to sell some widgets, you deserve it!

Happy Birthday Marine Corps.

OK this is cool as hell!
What you have to realize is that every other precision Drill team in the world has a cadence. Whether it's a drum or someone calling cadence they have SOMETHING that gives them a beat to work off of!!!

Traveltron5000: Notorious Playbot

Anybody that knows Traveltron5000 as well as I know Traveltron5000 is fully aware of his free-flying swinger ways. He is a notorious player in every sense of the term. I think that he may have taken it too far this time, though.

I was walking along, on my way to get a Chalupa at Taco Bell, when I saw our friend Traveltron5000 on what appeared to be a date. He and his lady friend (I guess, I don't really know the sex/sexual preference of robots) seemed to be having a good time. Not wanting to kill Traveltron5000's mojo, I decided that I would talk to him about it later and go about my business.

I did run into Traveltron5000 two days later though, and couldn't help but ask him about it.

"Hey, Trav, what's up, dude? Who was that I saw you with a couple of days ago? She seemed. . .nice. . ." I said.

"Oh, her? Yeah, she's alright, I guess. . ." he replied, seeming a little less excited than someone who had just started a meaningful relationship would.

"What's up, man, don't you like her?"

"It's business, Mitchell. Business." he said patting me on the back (which hurt quite a lot, considering that he has metal pincers, rather than hands.

I was extremely confused, and couldn't help but inquire further into the situation. As it turns out, Traveltron5000's mistress of the evening was actually one of the Google servers, and he wasn't seeing her out of interest, but actually "playing her for better search engine placement."

Being a good friend, I had to tell him that he had reached a new low and that he should probably call things off as carefully as possible, before it got out of hand and he actually ended up getting banned. Traveltron5000 let out an exasperated sigh. As it turned out, he had already called things off, and it didn't go so well. His intention in going on the date was to do a little sneaky search engine optimization for terms like online travel, online travel site and even a big one like travel. This is not how things went when all was said and done, however. Angry and spiteful, the Google bot actually put him to bottom ranking for all of the keywords that he was shooting for. He did make it to the top for some keywords, but none of them are appropriate enough that I could mention them here.

That's what happens. . .

I Hope Phil Collins Doesn't Sussus-sue Us!

I have to be honest, as much as I've been blogging about Phil Collins, and kinda ribbing him, I actually like him. The boss and I have been watching the video for Don't Lose My Number regularly since it got posted.

I looked at his site a couple of days ago, and, well I've gotta admit that it's quite. . .lackluster. It could certainly use some work, and I know for a fact that we at LogicMaze could spruce it up significantly. I think Phil deserves better than he's got.

I intend to attempt to get in touch with Mr. Collins and try to appeal to him and let us do his site for a price, which (although I'm sure that it will be great for us) would be marginal for him. We've got a very creative staff here, of which I'm confident. I'm sure that he would be pleased.

I only wish that we had the marketing wherewithall to be in charge of him advertising as well, but that's not happening. . .yet.

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On another note: I've been cruising around Wordpress lately when I get writer's block, and I have to say that there are some cool sites on here. Here are a few that have helped me:

Deskbound: It's that perfect cross of crazy and the Onion that I personally love, as some might be able to tell if they read some of my stuff.

Creative Juice: Being in the marketing business, this site helps with just that: creative juices. I don't like to copy other people by any means, but sometimes seeing other people's creativity sends sparks in the ol' melon and things start to work again.

Pigeon Blog: Everybody at work actually had a loooooooong discussion about pigeons on Messenger one day, which lead people to Google it and come up with funny stuff. I happened upon this blog and by far took the cake on funny stuff about pigeons. What are the odds that I would find it again? Crazy. . .

A little rest and relaxation

Ok, honestly we have been busting our butts around here at LogicMaze. We are pushing hard on several new web design projects, alot of search engine optimization projects and a quite a few full service advertising clients.
So..
I decided to suprise my lovely wife(who also happens to be the boss around here!) and plan a little getaway for some peaceful rest and relaxation. I did what any technologically savvy person dos these days and on jumped on the internet. I went to www.traveltron5000.com and told the online travel agents that I wanted a calm quiet place to relax with my wife and enjoy a little peace. We booked the trip the automated system recommended, loaded up the video camera, and headed out.
Here is our video below!
Not exactly what we expected and while I wasn't all that upset about it, my wife was pissed that they booked us to stay in the same Hotel room with this blond chick we had never met before.
[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=-4879566594474123372]

Ant wins world championship of Darts!!!!

Ant did it!!!
Anthony D'Alessio LogicMaze's "Vice President of Doing Whatever Everyone else needs Help With" went to Slappy O'Flannagan's pub in Dublin Ireland last week and was crowned the "KIng of The Professional Dart World" by the International Darting Commission.
When he is not doing website maintenance for clients of ours he is constanly practing his dart throwing in the LogicMaze lobby. Honestly he was gone long enough we actually discovered we were ok without him and we were gonna let him go, but we are getting so much press from the fact the Dart Champion of The World works in our office we decided to keep him on for a while.
WAY TO GO ANT!!
** Extra special thanks to the computers at Travel Travel 5000 for lining up Ant's travel arrangements. They can help you with all your online travel needs!!

Major success in literature!

This is working splendidly!! I finally found a way to get Mitchell to write about real life things on the original LogicMaze blog. All we had to do was give him a place to play in his pretend little world.
He is making alot of fun of Phil Collins here. I can handle that, but anyone who trys to tell me they didn't love "Don't lose my number" is flat-ass lying!!!
[googlevideo=http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=-965323295516927225&hl]

Traveltron5000 hearts LogicMaze

Seeing how we built the Traveltron5000 Online Travel web site, it's only right that we at LogicMaze should get a free trip out of the deal. Our buddy Traveltron5000 was more than happy to oblige.

Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth (I honestly have no idea what that means), we just told him to pick an exotic destination that wouldn't put him out.

"Oh sure! I'll take care of you," he said. "I'll send you guys somewhere really nice and you'll get nothing but first class travel and accomidations the whole time!"

One giant wooden crate, a 45-foot drop and three days wandering in the desert later, we're all starting to wonder when the vacation will begin and these "first class accomidations" are going to kick in.

We have since learned that using an online travel site wasn't the option which we should have used for our much-needed vacation.

I woke up in a cold sweat, leaned over to the night stand and lit a cigarette.

My head was pounding. Why was it pounding? I hadn't had anything to drink the night before, so it definitely wasn't a hangover.

Then I heard it. Someone. . .something was singing from the kitchen!

"I can smell eggs coooookin' in the air tonight. Hold oooon."

That's when it dawned on me: my headache wasn't from a hangover at all, it was from listening to Phil Collins music all night long.

I got up from bed and tottered into the livingroom. There were wadded up blankets and a pillow on the couch. The smell of eggs and bacon was coming from the kitchen. Dreading it the whole way, I walked into the kitchen to find Phil with his head in the refrigerator.

"Do you have any milk?" he asked, sensing that I was in the room.

"What are you doing here, Phil? Why didn't you go home?" I asked, already exhausted of the conversation.

"We've got important things to talk about, mate! I wanted to be here bright and early so that we could get a jump on things. I thought if we got the jump on the other folks, we could get me up to number 1 for fireworks display!"

My head was spinning. "Fireworks display!?! Wha-you-wha? I though you wanted to get to number one for Jeep accessories?"

Phil looked at me as if I were the crazy one. "That's old news, mate. Fireworks are where it's at! Coffee?" He held out a pot of coffee and a mug.

That was the first and only thing that he said that made any sense all day. I accepted a mug. Upon taking my first sip, however, I immediately regretted the decision. It was the most wretched, vile substance that I had ever drank. I spit it all over the floor.

"Isn't it good?" Phil asked innocently.

"No, Phil. No it's not good. It's not good at all."

Phil looked down at his own mug and took a drink.

"I made it from my own secret recipe."

That explained a lot.

"Does this 'secret recipe' contain ketchup?"

A look of utter astonishment swept over Phil Collins' face. "How did you know?"

"Just get out, Phil," I had had enough.

"But we've got to talk about fireworks, fireworks displays, and fireworks for fundraisers! I want number one on all of them!"

"Phil, you are a singer/songwriter. . .kinda. You have absolutely nothing to do with Jeeps, Jeep accessories or fireworks displays of any kind. You have better things to do. Besides, I heard that Disney was making a cartoon musical about a one-eyed armadillo that perseveres through adversity. You'd better hurry before Randy Newman gets the gig."

"Really? Oh geez, I've got to go!"

With that, he grabbed his coat, hat and scrambled out the door.

Just as the door was almost fully closed and I going to let out a sigh of relief, it opened again. Phil stuck his head in.

"Hey, before I go, do you know of any good realtors in McPherson Kansas?"

"Just leave, Phil."

For more information about search engine optimization or website marketing: visit LogicMaze or read our other blog.

For fireworks, fireworks displays and other things like that, check out Rainbow Fireworks.

Just a little Humor in a place where humor has got to be hard to find!!

Ok to hell with any political views that's just funny.

Cody