SEO Hutchinson: The Ghost of Talent's Past

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I wanted to vomit so badly. After my lack of success with the David Blaine thing that I had last tried, I really had to lower my standards (as though that could possible). I splashed some water on my face and attempted to regain my composure before my guest showed up. No sooner than I had toweled off, there was a knock at the door. My stomach filled with acid immediately.

I opened the door, for my guest, Dolph Lundgren. You may remember him from Rocky IV as Ivan Drago, or if you're an uber-nerd, Masters of the Universe. That's right, he played He-Man. I remember totally digging on that movie when I was younger, but I'll bet if I watched it now, it would just shatter my memories of it being awesome.
Cool movies aside, Dolph hasn't done anything worth anything in a while, and he was in need of my marketing abilities. Coincidentally, I hadn't done any marketing worth anything in a while and was in need of his money.

"Ok, Mr. Lundgren - May I call you Dolphy?" I started things off.
"No," my monosyllabic new client responded.
"Alright, Mr. Lundgren. I'm very interested in doing some marketing and search engine optimization for you. First thing's first. Do you have a website?" I asked.
"No."
I could tell already that this was going to be as easy as a walk in the park. . .a park full of ninjas bent on killing yours truely.
"Are you sure that you don't have a website? I'm relatively sure that I've seen dolphlundgren.com."
"Yes, that is my website," he responded.
"Great! We're making progress now. I am very excited," I lied. "What. . .uh. . . are you looking to market/optimize for?"
"Deer hunting and turkey hunting," he said, completely catching me off guard.
"I'm sorry?"
"I want to open a hunting outfitters. I will dress up turkey and deer to look like Jean Claude Van Damme and we will hunt them like Universal Soldier."
I struggled not to laugh at this crazy idea. "How about dressing them in red white and blue, and pretending like they're Apollo Creed?"
"Good idea," he didn't get that I was joking.
I paused for a moment to seriously consider what I was getting myself into. I then remembered some of my previous endeavours and decided that this one may actually be the least insane. I collected my thoughts before I spoke.

"Ok, Dolph, here's the deal-"
As soon as I got that much out, I heard the sound of keys jingling in the door. Crap I thought it's my roommate!Somewhere down the line, I had unwittingly allowed Phil Collins to move in with me. It was some crazy sort of odd couple-esque situation that I often tried to block out of my mind.

"Hey, Ralph, I got you some more of that bath gel you like, since I used all of your-" he stopped talking and froze as he came in the door an saw Dolph Lundgren sitting on the couch.
"What's he doing here?" Phil asked.
"Phil, this is Dolph Lundgren, I'm going to be doing some work for him," I explained.
"Oh I know who he is! We've met before, isn't that right, Dolph?"

I didn't know what was going on, but I certainly didn't want to know. There was no way that I could even imagine for Phil Collins and Dolph Lundgren to have even met before, let alone have some sort of conflicting past. All I know is that what happened next was both one of the weirdest and coolest things that I had ever witnessed.

Phil went on and on, calling Dolph a huge list of names and discrediting him as an actor, while Dolph simply sat on the couch, expressionless as usual. This went on for about a minute before he went across the room like a blur, and knocked Phil Collins out with one swift punch. Groceries went everywhere as Phil fell against the wall and slid down to the floor.

"Wow! You knocked him clean out!" I said in disbelief. "Thanks!"

Dolph turned to me dramatically and said "If he dies. . . he dies."
He then pulled out a huge knife, cut off one of Phil Collins' ears and strung it on a necklace with a bunch of other ears (Universal Soldier style).
I threw up.